today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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