My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
