Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
