a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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