I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
