new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
