Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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