ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
