I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
