hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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