College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
no you cant smoke seaweed
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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