i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
