I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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