Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I smell like Dick and happiness
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
