I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
