Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
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