it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
