Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
