This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
