i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I need to stop coming to work sober
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
