I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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