I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
