I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
