I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I yelled at your uterus for you.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
