My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
we're making bets on your personal life
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
