I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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