honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
