Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He is an equal opportunity slut.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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