I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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