Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Randomize
