i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
