If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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