please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
