Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
