i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
