call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
