You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
