WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Drunk is a universal language darling
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
