You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
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