I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
