shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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