He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
