Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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