I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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