Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
