Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
