Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Dear god my vagina.
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