Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
