Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
