Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
