i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
