I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
